DIS A B I L I T Y...

» Most people with personality disorders have what is sometimes referred to as "disorders of the self," because they often don’t believe that there is anything wrong with them. They think, “This is me,” or “This is the way I have always been,” and self-preservation makes them want to stay that way. Personality disordered people are the ones who usually come to mind when we think of the term, “toxic person.” Here are some insights and steps for dealing with these highly difficult - even, impossible - people

1. Recognize that impossible people exist; there isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right.. The headaches you save will be your own.

2. Do not call them out because it will frustrate them. They could become more difficult, but just stand your ground and be confident.

3. Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.

4. Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."

5. Defuse them. Stay calm, don't spit angry words at them, and whatever you do don't cry - this will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behaviour. Try ignoring them. Do not, under any circumstances, join them in bashing, blaming or complaining. Do not bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive. Redirect by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!

It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will always win out, and it's best to "name the game" that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them or the group a question that starts "Why...," (rephrasing their "impossible" position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the conversation to a higher level, and the group, or even just the impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this "higher truth," although the individual will usually respond by (more) obfuscating.

Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often thwart the impossible person's plans, and a typical response from them will be to unilaterally decide that "we don't need anyone else." You are perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.

6. Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.

To be continued....!!